Dark_Light

I have a Deviantart page. I used to post some poerty, occasionally. Anyways, I was on my page tonight reading over some stuff. Nothing really good, at least to me. I mean it's not crap cos art is in the eye of the beholder, right? But anyways I was reading over one of my poems and it kind of shocked me. The contrast between how I feel now, as a person, and how I feel in this poem. They're two different people, the author of that poem and the person I am now. Granted, we're in the same body but its like.. the me who wrote the poem has taken to hiding. Or, at the very least, taken a holiday? I mean, I am happy now. I don't display it maybe bit some can see it regardless. At any rate I am happier now, very much so. It's too much to describe now, maybe I will do so later, but suffice it to say I have taken steps to go from there, to where I am now and I like it in the 'here'. Things could be better though, I mean things can always be better but the important thing is things arent worse. Better > worse, no?

Check out the poem, see whatcha think. I dunno, I notice a stark difference. Was just astounding to me reading over something I did months ago and looking at my mentality now. I'm at least 75% sure I wouldn't write something like that now, but it serves its puurpose to show me where I was and how far I have come since then. I think I can say without a doubt, I am proud of myself.

Things are looking up, I think I'm just starting to do the same. Look up, that is. No more head hung. =D

http://ikimberly.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Light-102703506

Also, I thought this was significant. Anyone who knows Steven will agree, maybe. Here is a snippet from an MSN conversation with a very good friend of mind from tonight. I hope he doesnt mind.

steven.fredericks@gmail.com says (11:14 PM):
I know you thought we were all blowing smoke up your ass back then, but you honestly have talent; it's not refined, but you've got an ability to channel your emotions and put them onto a page.

Thank you Steven, it means a lot to me. Even if I don't acknowledge the support you guys give me. <3>

Silver Wings

From tender years you took me for granted.
But still I deigned to wander through your lungs.
While you were sleeping soundly in your bed,
(Your draped were silver wings, your shutters flung)

I drew the poison from your summer's sting,
And eased the fire out your fevered skin.
I moved in you and stirred your soul to sing;
And if you left me I would move again,

I've danced 'tween sunlit strands of lover's hair;
Helped form the final words before your your death.
I've pitied you and plied your sails with air;
Gave blessing when you rose upon my breath.

AND AFTER ALL OF THIS I AM AMAZED.
THAT I AM CURSED FAR MORE THEN I AM PRAISED.

I'm just trolling the interweb. Hung around one of my fav sites. I'm getting eager for Thrice to release a new album. ^.^

Damn you Blogger!

For some reason when I sign in to blogger, or try to in this case, my attempts are thwarted by the interwebz. On occasion I have been prevented form logging in because apparently my username doesnt's exits. Yet, here I am posting. Go figure.

Anyways, I had something I wanted to post but thanks to Blogger I forgot cos I just spend like 20 mins trying to log in. Grr

Hopefully I remember later.

Medic!

I was cutting bread today for lunch, and somehow I managed to nick the end of my left thumb with the bread knife. Luckily, it didnt go deep BUT!!!! It tore into my finger like.. pretty good so like the very tip of my thumb is completely unusable now. I feel like a gimp.

On a side note, my blood tastes great. >.> Creepy, yes I know but it was yum. I'm not a vampire fyi.

Hello, my name is melty.

Melty!

Oh, I should make it clear that I meant the SNOW. It's nearly gone now and I am stoked. Camping, cycling, longboarding. All those activities can soon be taken up again and I couldn't be happier. Plus, not having to go outside all bundled up is an added bonus too. I can't ignore that. Well, I could.

Dani and I spent the majority of today outside. The yard is dry.. ish. It's dry in spots, wet in others and scattered with dog crap here and there which makes things hazardous. I cleaned up much of it anyways so that made things bearable. Found dried grass in my hair when I went to shower tonight. =P I smelt of stinky grass and other early-springtime smells. Was delightful. Okay I lied, it was not delightful. Sue me.

Tomorrow I plan to avoid the dry grass in my hair if at all possible, but as usual, four year old children tend to have a way of destroying your plans so we shall see what lies in wait for my hair. Dear lord..

Also on a side note, things with my previously mentioned ( a few posts ago) problem are moving along now at a decent speed. Due to a lack of communication on all the parties involved parts things were somewhat confusing. They are fixed now though, or maybe not so much fixed but more resolved. FYI, I was talking about WoW, and now I am talking about having quit that fucking, god forsaken life-suck of a game. I have better things to do them waste my time sitting in front of this computer. Granted, I am sitting in front of it right now but I am doing something at least semi-productive instead of wasting it on a game that will get me less the nowhere. Egad, having read over that last bit I got the impression of some bitterness. Oh well.

How to Behave

It's the sorrow you bring, it's the songs that you sing.
It's the constant lack of any normal thing.
It's the light that you gave when you called me name,
It's the serious problems, don't know how to behave.

Although you never have to go there's always room for two.
Although you never, ever fall there's a safety net for you.
All I have is little enough to carry where I go.
All I've seen is just enough to remember where I've been.

It's the sorrow you bring, it's the songs that you sing.
It's the constant lack of any normal thing.
It's the light that you gave when you called me name,
It's the serious problems, don't know how to behave.

Ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah ah-ah

It's tougher now then it used to be, it's getting a little late.
When you're eyes decide what you should see, it's more then you can take.
All I have is little enough to carry where I go.
All I've seen is just enough to remember where I've been.

It's the sorrow you bring, it's the songs that you sing.
It's the constant lack of any normal thing.
It's the light that you gave when you called me name,
It's the serious problems, don't know how to behave.

*Song lyrics from the song How to Behave by Versant. A lovely song, really emulates my feelings right now.

*stares blankly at the subject box*

I find myself at a crossroads. How I arrived here I am unsure of. I do know however I made a decision that was in my best interests and now it has turned on me. The plan was to go my seperate way and leave behind something that had been troubling me for a bit, sort of just a 'drop what I was doing and leave' move. But like I said, it backfired on my big time.

It wasn't even supposed to! I mean, I left and went my way and planned to move on with things. There wasn't any real firm direction set, more of a meandering was planned and I was looking forward to it. However someone made a sugguestion I pick up from where I left off and start fresh. He made the sugguestion and stated he would gladly join me. I did not need to ask him, for he made the decision on his own. Everything seemed set and ready to launch till someone else stuck her nose in my business.

I mean, it's sort of her business too but what she said was none of her business given she didn't have all the details and falsely pointed guilt in my direction, although it was laid on someone else's shoulders.

Nevertheless, I find myself at the aforementioned crossroads not knowing what to do. I've got four directions I can go in and none of them seem pleasant anymore now thanks to the actions of one misguided individual.
The worst part is that regardless what road I take a friendship stands to be visiciously murdered. And I am not good around murder, it sets off my blood frenzy.

All in all I am cofused because I am a fighter. I defend myself, never backing down unless I cannot win. In the case I don't want to fight. I mean, inside I do. I want to do a lot of things, many of them bad. One involves a long plane trip and a possible assualt charge. But even still, I know inside I want to fight this/them but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't feel it is worth the effort. I mean, two + years is a long time, definatly something worth fighting for right? But I look at it and go.. /shrug. Then walk away.

I'm confused and lost. A little hurt and feeling betrayed. I am sure the feelings are mirrored but that's only because the mirrorer doesn't know any better and is selfish. Then again, so am I but not to the same extent where I became malicious against my bestfriend. Well, former-best friend. Well... I don't think we were ever friends, if we were then there would be some sort of efforts being made to preserve the friendship however such is not the case.

Long story short I think I am fucked. Not sure how I arrived at that conclusion, and I know I didn't do it to myself. The best thing about me though is I don't really get defeated, just redirected. I mean, it's everyone else's loss now. My capacity for helping others is limitless, but it takes unusual forms that sometimes are hard to recogonise.

Through this all though I am remaining optimistic. For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic so that's always a nice laugh for me. Something good will come of this. Part of me wishes when it does something extremly bad comes to the others involved. I've been trying to smother that part of me in her sleep but then I realise that would require me to smother myself and I like myself... most of the time.

Preow.