*stares blankly at the subject box*

I find myself at a crossroads. How I arrived here I am unsure of. I do know however I made a decision that was in my best interests and now it has turned on me. The plan was to go my seperate way and leave behind something that had been troubling me for a bit, sort of just a 'drop what I was doing and leave' move. But like I said, it backfired on my big time.

It wasn't even supposed to! I mean, I left and went my way and planned to move on with things. There wasn't any real firm direction set, more of a meandering was planned and I was looking forward to it. However someone made a sugguestion I pick up from where I left off and start fresh. He made the sugguestion and stated he would gladly join me. I did not need to ask him, for he made the decision on his own. Everything seemed set and ready to launch till someone else stuck her nose in my business.

I mean, it's sort of her business too but what she said was none of her business given she didn't have all the details and falsely pointed guilt in my direction, although it was laid on someone else's shoulders.

Nevertheless, I find myself at the aforementioned crossroads not knowing what to do. I've got four directions I can go in and none of them seem pleasant anymore now thanks to the actions of one misguided individual.
The worst part is that regardless what road I take a friendship stands to be visiciously murdered. And I am not good around murder, it sets off my blood frenzy.

All in all I am cofused because I am a fighter. I defend myself, never backing down unless I cannot win. In the case I don't want to fight. I mean, inside I do. I want to do a lot of things, many of them bad. One involves a long plane trip and a possible assualt charge. But even still, I know inside I want to fight this/them but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't feel it is worth the effort. I mean, two + years is a long time, definatly something worth fighting for right? But I look at it and go.. /shrug. Then walk away.

I'm confused and lost. A little hurt and feeling betrayed. I am sure the feelings are mirrored but that's only because the mirrorer doesn't know any better and is selfish. Then again, so am I but not to the same extent where I became malicious against my bestfriend. Well, former-best friend. Well... I don't think we were ever friends, if we were then there would be some sort of efforts being made to preserve the friendship however such is not the case.

Long story short I think I am fucked. Not sure how I arrived at that conclusion, and I know I didn't do it to myself. The best thing about me though is I don't really get defeated, just redirected. I mean, it's everyone else's loss now. My capacity for helping others is limitless, but it takes unusual forms that sometimes are hard to recogonise.

Through this all though I am remaining optimistic. For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic so that's always a nice laugh for me. Something good will come of this. Part of me wishes when it does something extremly bad comes to the others involved. I've been trying to smother that part of me in her sleep but then I realise that would require me to smother myself and I like myself... most of the time.

Preow.