It's the sorrow you bring, it's the songs that you sing.
It's the constant lack of any normal thing.
It's the light that you gave when you called me name,
It's the serious problems, don't know how to behave.
Although you never have to go there's always room for two.
Although you never, ever fall there's a safety net for you.
All I have is little enough to carry where I go.
All I've seen is just enough to remember where I've been.
It's the sorrow you bring, it's the songs that you sing.
It's the constant lack of any normal thing.
It's the light that you gave when you called me name,
It's the serious problems, don't know how to behave.
Ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah ah-ah
It's tougher now then it used to be, it's getting a little late.
When you're eyes decide what you should see, it's more then you can take.
All I have is little enough to carry where I go.
All I've seen is just enough to remember where I've been.
It's the sorrow you bring, it's the songs that you sing.
It's the constant lack of any normal thing.
It's the light that you gave when you called me name,
It's the serious problems, don't know how to behave.
*Song lyrics from the song How to Behave by Versant. A lovely song, really emulates my feelings right now.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
*stares blankly at the subject box*
I find myself at a crossroads. How I arrived here I am unsure of. I do know however I made a decision that was in my best interests and now it has turned on me. The plan was to go my seperate way and leave behind something that had been troubling me for a bit, sort of just a 'drop what I was doing and leave' move. But like I said, it backfired on my big time.
It wasn't even supposed to! I mean, I left and went my way and planned to move on with things. There wasn't any real firm direction set, more of a meandering was planned and I was looking forward to it. However someone made a sugguestion I pick up from where I left off and start fresh. He made the sugguestion and stated he would gladly join me. I did not need to ask him, for he made the decision on his own. Everything seemed set and ready to launch till someone else stuck her nose in my business.
I mean, it's sort of her business too but what she said was none of her business given she didn't have all the details and falsely pointed guilt in my direction, although it was laid on someone else's shoulders.
Nevertheless, I find myself at the aforementioned crossroads not knowing what to do. I've got four directions I can go in and none of them seem pleasant anymore now thanks to the actions of one misguided individual.
The worst part is that regardless what road I take a friendship stands to be visiciously murdered. And I am not good around murder, it sets off my blood frenzy.
All in all I am cofused because I am a fighter. I defend myself, never backing down unless I cannot win. In the case I don't want to fight. I mean, inside I do. I want to do a lot of things, many of them bad. One involves a long plane trip and a possible assualt charge. But even still, I know inside I want to fight this/them but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't feel it is worth the effort. I mean, two + years is a long time, definatly something worth fighting for right? But I look at it and go.. /shrug. Then walk away.
I'm confused and lost. A little hurt and feeling betrayed. I am sure the feelings are mirrored but that's only because the mirrorer doesn't know any better and is selfish. Then again, so am I but not to the same extent where I became malicious against my bestfriend. Well, former-best friend. Well... I don't think we were ever friends, if we were then there would be some sort of efforts being made to preserve the friendship however such is not the case.
Long story short I think I am fucked. Not sure how I arrived at that conclusion, and I know I didn't do it to myself. The best thing about me though is I don't really get defeated, just redirected. I mean, it's everyone else's loss now. My capacity for helping others is limitless, but it takes unusual forms that sometimes are hard to recogonise.
Through this all though I am remaining optimistic. For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic so that's always a nice laugh for me. Something good will come of this. Part of me wishes when it does something extremly bad comes to the others involved. I've been trying to smother that part of me in her sleep but then I realise that would require me to smother myself and I like myself... most of the time.
Preow.
It wasn't even supposed to! I mean, I left and went my way and planned to move on with things. There wasn't any real firm direction set, more of a meandering was planned and I was looking forward to it. However someone made a sugguestion I pick up from where I left off and start fresh. He made the sugguestion and stated he would gladly join me. I did not need to ask him, for he made the decision on his own. Everything seemed set and ready to launch till someone else stuck her nose in my business.
I mean, it's sort of her business too but what she said was none of her business given she didn't have all the details and falsely pointed guilt in my direction, although it was laid on someone else's shoulders.
Nevertheless, I find myself at the aforementioned crossroads not knowing what to do. I've got four directions I can go in and none of them seem pleasant anymore now thanks to the actions of one misguided individual.
The worst part is that regardless what road I take a friendship stands to be visiciously murdered. And I am not good around murder, it sets off my blood frenzy.
All in all I am cofused because I am a fighter. I defend myself, never backing down unless I cannot win. In the case I don't want to fight. I mean, inside I do. I want to do a lot of things, many of them bad. One involves a long plane trip and a possible assualt charge. But even still, I know inside I want to fight this/them but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't feel it is worth the effort. I mean, two + years is a long time, definatly something worth fighting for right? But I look at it and go.. /shrug. Then walk away.
I'm confused and lost. A little hurt and feeling betrayed. I am sure the feelings are mirrored but that's only because the mirrorer doesn't know any better and is selfish. Then again, so am I but not to the same extent where I became malicious against my bestfriend. Well, former-best friend. Well... I don't think we were ever friends, if we were then there would be some sort of efforts being made to preserve the friendship however such is not the case.
Long story short I think I am fucked. Not sure how I arrived at that conclusion, and I know I didn't do it to myself. The best thing about me though is I don't really get defeated, just redirected. I mean, it's everyone else's loss now. My capacity for helping others is limitless, but it takes unusual forms that sometimes are hard to recogonise.
Through this all though I am remaining optimistic. For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic so that's always a nice laugh for me. Something good will come of this. Part of me wishes when it does something extremly bad comes to the others involved. I've been trying to smother that part of me in her sleep but then I realise that would require me to smother myself and I like myself... most of the time.
Preow.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Losing it.
I'm losing it. My grip on things. I don't know what's going on anymore and it's upsetting me.
I've started to question things I never questioned before, or thought I would question ever. That kind of has a way or shaking up one's life. I don't like it.
I've begun to question relationships in general. All the other things are irrelevant, really. And I don't even know why I'm so confused.
I think I pushed away one of the best people in my life last night. I don't even know what I said or did but I have this feeling I did something and he's hurt. And it's eating me up inside. He's so charming and a wonderful person, would never do anything to hurt me. But he's always taking my burdens on himself. And everything that happens between us he claims as his fault and needs to 'make up for it'. I hate it. Why does everything single thing have to be a fault of his? It's never my fault, even when it is, he wont admit it. Why? I'm not purrfect. And he treats me like an angel. I don't mind it but all the time? I'm human as much as the next person, I fuck up and do things. He holds me on such a high regard, the distance below frightens me.
I'm afraid to go to bed at night, and even more afraid of waking up. It's all the time between that is alright. Being awake or asleep is fine but waking or going to sleep frightens me right now. Ive got so much on my mind. When I go to bed I can't hide from it anymore, sleep has that unfortunate downside. When I awake, I'm faced with all I thought about over the course of the night and I have to deal with it over the course of the day, only to be faced with it again before I sleep cos I spent all day running from it. I'm killing myself, slowly. Drink too much a little here, don't eat for days there, take too many pills this time, don't sleep for more then a few hours that time. I wonder how long till my body caves in and gives up, or will it be my mind that goes first? Assuming, it hasn't gone already.
My best friend has me questioning her too. Or rather, questing that 'best friend' title. I've started to wonder if we really are friends. We don't really talk outside our primary meeting ground. And when we do it's rarely about anything other then said meeting ground. She's begun to delve deeper into things and is leaving me behind in the process. It's not intentional, at least not intentionally intentional. On her part, or mine. She craves what I have, the ability to attract attention and people. She's found a way to achieve that, in a different manner then I do. And I'm happy for her. But, when she's in that 'zone' I'm a million miles away to her. Perhaps it's how she is, cannot multitask to the same extreme. I don't rightly know. But it upsets me. I don't know what to do about it or how to even deal with it. All I know is I can deny it only for so long and once I reach that limit of denial things become painful.
I don't like being ignored. I don't care if you meant to or not. Makes me wanna tell people to open their fucking eyes. If you can't focus on more then one thing then fucking go crawl back into the black shit pit of creation. Adapt and overcome people, learn to live outside your boxes and do more. What the fuck is the point of living if you stick to the same thing forever? Better yourself.
I cant win. There are lines I need to cross that i'm not willing to cross and until I cross them I will go on winless. Everyone is running Life version 2.0 while I am still running version 1.8. Version 2.0 is flawed and problematic but everyone still uses it and clings to it for dear life. You're all sheep...
I hate reality. I was born in the wrong one, or the wrong time. Maybe both.
..!.. Fuck you sheep.
I've started to question things I never questioned before, or thought I would question ever. That kind of has a way or shaking up one's life. I don't like it.
I've begun to question relationships in general. All the other things are irrelevant, really. And I don't even know why I'm so confused.
I think I pushed away one of the best people in my life last night. I don't even know what I said or did but I have this feeling I did something and he's hurt. And it's eating me up inside. He's so charming and a wonderful person, would never do anything to hurt me. But he's always taking my burdens on himself. And everything that happens between us he claims as his fault and needs to 'make up for it'. I hate it. Why does everything single thing have to be a fault of his? It's never my fault, even when it is, he wont admit it. Why? I'm not purrfect. And he treats me like an angel. I don't mind it but all the time? I'm human as much as the next person, I fuck up and do things. He holds me on such a high regard, the distance below frightens me.
I'm afraid to go to bed at night, and even more afraid of waking up. It's all the time between that is alright. Being awake or asleep is fine but waking or going to sleep frightens me right now. Ive got so much on my mind. When I go to bed I can't hide from it anymore, sleep has that unfortunate downside. When I awake, I'm faced with all I thought about over the course of the night and I have to deal with it over the course of the day, only to be faced with it again before I sleep cos I spent all day running from it. I'm killing myself, slowly. Drink too much a little here, don't eat for days there, take too many pills this time, don't sleep for more then a few hours that time. I wonder how long till my body caves in and gives up, or will it be my mind that goes first? Assuming, it hasn't gone already.
My best friend has me questioning her too. Or rather, questing that 'best friend' title. I've started to wonder if we really are friends. We don't really talk outside our primary meeting ground. And when we do it's rarely about anything other then said meeting ground. She's begun to delve deeper into things and is leaving me behind in the process. It's not intentional, at least not intentionally intentional. On her part, or mine. She craves what I have, the ability to attract attention and people. She's found a way to achieve that, in a different manner then I do. And I'm happy for her. But, when she's in that 'zone' I'm a million miles away to her. Perhaps it's how she is, cannot multitask to the same extreme. I don't rightly know. But it upsets me. I don't know what to do about it or how to even deal with it. All I know is I can deny it only for so long and once I reach that limit of denial things become painful.
I don't like being ignored. I don't care if you meant to or not. Makes me wanna tell people to open their fucking eyes. If you can't focus on more then one thing then fucking go crawl back into the black shit pit of creation. Adapt and overcome people, learn to live outside your boxes and do more. What the fuck is the point of living if you stick to the same thing forever? Better yourself.
I cant win. There are lines I need to cross that i'm not willing to cross and until I cross them I will go on winless. Everyone is running Life version 2.0 while I am still running version 1.8. Version 2.0 is flawed and problematic but everyone still uses it and clings to it for dear life. You're all sheep...
I hate reality. I was born in the wrong one, or the wrong time. Maybe both.
..!.. Fuck you sheep.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Lum se se, eunich-y. Snip snip.
I leave you people alone for just a minute and look what happens. Everything’s gone to pot!
Oi! I didn't mean it. Please come back!
It has come to my attention there has been a serious breakdown in the chain of command aboard this vessel. Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
All fun and games aside (or movie quotes in this case) I have made a rather startling discovery. All by my onesie I did. Things are much more enjoyable when you add a dash of Pirate to them. So, in light if my grand epiphany I have taken it upon myself to carry out that dash and spice life up.
Oi! I didn't mean it. Please come back!
It has come to my attention there has been a serious breakdown in the chain of command aboard this vessel. Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
All fun and games aside (or movie quotes in this case) I have made a rather startling discovery. All by my onesie I did. Things are much more enjoyable when you add a dash of Pirate to them. So, in light if my grand epiphany I have taken it upon myself to carry out that dash and spice life up.
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