Losing it.

I'm losing it. My grip on things. I don't know what's going on anymore and it's upsetting me.

I've started to question things I never questioned before, or thought I would question ever. That kind of has a way or shaking up one's life. I don't like it.

I've begun to question relationships in general. All the other things are irrelevant, really. And I don't even know why I'm so confused.

I think I pushed away one of the best people in my life last night. I don't even know what I said or did but I have this feeling I did something and he's hurt. And it's eating me up inside. He's so charming and a wonderful person, would never do anything to hurt me. But he's always taking my burdens on himself. And everything that happens between us he claims as his fault and needs to 'make up for it'. I hate it. Why does everything single thing have to be a fault of his? It's never my fault, even when it is, he wont admit it. Why? I'm not purrfect. And he treats me like an angel. I don't mind it but all the time? I'm human as much as the next person, I fuck up and do things. He holds me on such a high regard, the distance below frightens me.

I'm afraid to go to bed at night, and even more afraid of waking up. It's all the time between that is alright. Being awake or asleep is fine but waking or going to sleep frightens me right now. Ive got so much on my mind. When I go to bed I can't hide from it anymore, sleep has that unfortunate downside. When I awake, I'm faced with all I thought about over the course of the night and I have to deal with it over the course of the day, only to be faced with it again before I sleep cos I spent all day running from it. I'm killing myself, slowly. Drink too much a little here, don't eat for days there, take too many pills this time, don't sleep for more then a few hours that time. I wonder how long till my body caves in and gives up, or will it be my mind that goes first? Assuming, it hasn't gone already.

My best friend has me questioning her too. Or rather, questing that 'best friend' title. I've started to wonder if we really are friends. We don't really talk outside our primary meeting ground. And when we do it's rarely about anything other then said meeting ground. She's begun to delve deeper into things and is leaving me behind in the process. It's not intentional, at least not intentionally intentional. On her part, or mine. She craves what I have, the ability to attract attention and people. She's found a way to achieve that, in a different manner then I do. And I'm happy for her. But, when she's in that 'zone' I'm a million miles away to her. Perhaps it's how she is, cannot multitask to the same extreme. I don't rightly know. But it upsets me. I don't know what to do about it or how to even deal with it. All I know is I can deny it only for so long and once I reach that limit of denial things become painful.

I don't like being ignored. I don't care if you meant to or not. Makes me wanna tell people to open their fucking eyes. If you can't focus on more then one thing then fucking go crawl back into the black shit pit of creation. Adapt and overcome people, learn to live outside your boxes and do more. What the fuck is the point of living if you stick to the same thing forever? Better yourself.

I cant win. There are lines I need to cross that i'm not willing to cross and until I cross them I will go on winless. Everyone is running Life version 2.0 while I am still running version 1.8. Version 2.0 is flawed and problematic but everyone still uses it and clings to it for dear life. You're all sheep...

I hate reality. I was born in the wrong one, or the wrong time. Maybe both.

..!.. Fuck you sheep.